Oh fuck. It’s here. We leave tomorrow. I didn’t even see it coming. I didn’t realize it would be here so fast. I didn’t think it would actually come even though I’m the one who planned it. I’m just.. I’ve kept myself so busy the last few weeks. Insanely busy. I didn’t want to feel it. I didn’t want to see those emotions coming over me like a wave. I wanted to be strong, I didn’t want it to touch my husband or my child. Of course it does though. Of course it does. I hold myself to an unattainable standard. That I should be able to only feel these things when it is convenient and neat and tidy; as though this thing looming over me doesn’t seep into every emotional corner of my mind if not my soul.
Murder is not tidy. Justice is not clean. Being apart of both will most certainly begin to make me feel the things I once got high over. I’m a recovering addict, have I told you that? Yea, I’ve been clean for over nine years. Yet, as I feel these old emotions the thoughts I had let go of nearly a decade ago come rushing back. They have not become obsessive; I’ve too much clean time for that, but they could be if its not held in check. The thoughts are there. Wanting to forget, wanting to make it go away, wanting to cut and run and put myself into the distance from this anchoring pain that keeps me still and makes me a victim and longs for some outside substance to change the way my insides feel because they feel raw and broken and crazy.
I’m not a victim. The thoughts of my addiction will not overcome me. He cannot murder my brother again. The little girl torn by sexual abuse and a lack of self-justice has the ability today to claim her own sense of self. I have the ability to be present in justice, to claim it, to own it and to present it to someone else even though it wasn’t given to me. I do not have to hold it back because I didn’t get it. I can give it away even if it wasn’t given to me. I’ll feel it all. I’ll walk in it. I’ll walk into that room on Friday and have a conversation with a person who has real feelings and emotions and is welcoming this conversation.
I’ll let the process remake me. Transform me, just like all those pretty colors of ribbons and stars remake Serena into Sailor Moon in those old anime cartoons I used to watched in high school. I’ll come out prettier, happier and more polished than I was before but it won’t be fun, it won’t be without fear or without adversity. I move forward anyway. I give myself some slack, feel it all and immerse myself in the changing spirit of Justice.