And just like that the date is set for October 27th. I’m excited. Scared shitless. It’s also super expensive. I’m flying out to the location, so I have to book a plane ticket. I’m flying my husband and child out to the location. I’m flying my best friend out there too. Then I have to rent a car, and then I have to book a hotel. Not just one hotel room, but two–because I need my friend there for support, I need my husband there as my partner, and I need my kid there because he is the best snuggler on the planet. Justice is very expensive. It’s a little overwhelming.
But the date is set, the flights are bought, the hotels are booked, and the car is rented. There is a lot going through my mind. My husband and I tend to fight when one of us is emotionally under the weather, so I’m a little nervous about him coming, but I don’t want to do it without him. My best friend is a busy woman, a small business owner, will she be stressed about being gone for those days? Can I rely on these people? Really rely on them? I know I can logically, but I’m scared.
What will happen to me? I panicked when I saw his picture. What will happen when I see him in person? Will I shut down? Will I shake like I do during PTSD episodes? Will hyperventilate like I do in panic attacks? Will I be fine? I could be fine. When I see this man maybe I’ll realize he is just a man and I’ll be fine. Maybe relieved. Maybe not. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW. This is, in part, why it’s so exciting. This is why it’s so scary. This is why it’s an adventure. This is why it’s terrifying.
I’ll get a tour of the jail. I’ll see where he lives before I meet him. I’ll tour an area of the jail where he isn’t around–they don’t want me to accidentally see him. I’ll see what his cell is like, what eating is like, what life is like in that prison of the Deep South. Before I sit down with this man I will understand what his crime has caused him in a shallow external way. I will see what his small life is like within a building he may never leave. My friend will be with me in that space. She’ll be able to go on the tour with me.
Then I’ll meet him. And I’ll be on my own. Well, not completely. My mediator will be there. The meeting is confidential. Sacrosanct. So only my mediator, the man, and I will be in the room. My friend will wait in another place. My husband will be at the hotel with my baby. In that space there, in that room, justice can only be owned by me. There, justice can only be achieved by me and him; with the support of the ones I love. In that space, justice becomes communal between two people with a person there to mediate how justice might be achieved.
Justice is expensive. Financially, in my case, sure. Emotionally as well. I’m not factoring in the cost of therapy which I’m also participating in during this process as well. So it occurred to me that if Justice was communal that I should let my community know. If you would like to help me in this process financially you can send money through paypal to: JusticeUncaged@gmail.com. I’ve decided not to do a gofundme. I can “technically” afford it through credit cards and such things so I felt instead of a direct appeal for finances I would instead let those who are participating with me do so through my blog.
The Date Approaches.